The Daily Martin: Better Sex Zen
After a delicious filling meal a student asked his Zen master, “Master how do I find Zen?” The master didn’t hesitate before saying, “wash the dishes.” The next day during the evening meal preparation the same student asked, “Master how do I find Zen?” Patiently with no signs of anything other than love and support the Master replied, “Peel the potato.”
The Sinclair Institute and our web site BetterSex.com work on a single idea – better sex creates better relationships and better relationships will save the world. Our singular focus means we stay in touch with better sex tips and techniques. We think about better sex every day. It is our job, and, yes, we have the best jobs in the world :). Every year or so we create a new Better Sex Video Series to share what is new about sex and relationships.
This article is about the Zen of better sex. There is no definitive “better sex guide” nor can there ever be (even though we keep trying). Better Sex is an emergent system and sex our only common global language.
Emergent systems like ant colonies or bee hives function and learn collectively. There is no top down control or leader dictating how much honey is produced or planning for new ant tunnels. The synergy of thousands of behaviors creates some of nature’s most durable accomplishments.
Martin’s Definition
An emergent behavior or emergent property can appear when a number of simple entities (agents) operate in an environment, forming more complex behaviors as a collective.
Ref Wikipedia
Better Sex Zen: Emergence
How we think influences how we act. View sex as a closed system always done the same way and end up in a rut. Being in a sexual rut, or a boring sex life, is a common complaint. It is possible to breathe new life into boring sex with sex toys, our Better Sex Videos, an adult movie or some other new ideas. Humans habituate to things quickly. New becomes routine and then boring in no time these days.
As much help as the web can be, it also brings costs. The web speeds our addiction to "the new". We want NEW all the time. The time it takes to become restless before our next “new” fix gets shorter and shorter as new Web tools instantly serve an endless stream of newness. Better sex and intimacy growing over years requires new programming, a new Better Sex Zen attitude.
Better Sex Zen; Power of Now
Better Sex always happens NOW. One of sex’s most addictive qualities is its ability to blot out everything. You aren’t thinking of that fight with the boss, latest financial woes or any “negative fantasy”. You are living in the moment. For many, sex is the ONLY time they live in the current moment. It is possible to spend a life worrying about past or future. There is no Now. There is no life. Living in the moment, living in the now, is rewarding.
In the NOW, Ego is lost and ego is hard to lose. Ego’s drum beat can be constant and demanding. “Feed me,” ego constantly yells using an inner-voice only you hear. It is impossible to have better sex concerned about self and ego only ever thinks about itself.
Having better sex is not the only way to achieve freedom from ego’s traps. Meditation, exercise and long walks provide similar benefits. Walk in woods consumed with worries, fears and struggles and ego still drives. Sex where you follow the television program playing in the background means you have not found a Better Sex Zen state. Ego just took another piece of your life.
One Better Sex Zen lesson is to shift our mental view of sex. Sex is an organic thing, a living ball of energy always created in the now. Better Sex Zen knows sex is spontaneous and synergistic. Synergy, in this context, means open to and incorporating what is happening NOW (when you are having better sex). Better Sex Zen requires complete and shared focus. All senses are involved, open, listening for feedback and willing to chart a new sexual direction. It feels like you have 10 senses, your five (touch, taste, smell, hearing and sight) plus your partner’s five.
It is impossible to be judgmental when you are inside this moment, the now. Judgment requires ego, time’s distance or both. Now, as something happens, it simply is. Judgment doesn’t exist in Better Sex Zen. Active clear immediate communication is intimately involved in Better Sex Zen. Imagine your lover is doing something you liked yesterday but not feeling great today.
Communicate how whatever is happening makes you feel and you are in a Better Sex Zen state. This kind of feedback seems tricky, but open honest communication is only difficult if you or your partner’s ego is involved. In the Now, all feedback is good. The flip side of our negative example is also true. If something feels great clear communication increases intensity. The first step to ego-free better sex is thinking of sex as organic an ever-changing connection happening in the Now.
Better Sex Zen: All Good Idea
How would you describe yourself as a lover? Are you kind, generous, careful and attentive or fast, selfish and brutal? Few may willingly describe themselves as brutal. The Better Sex Zen: All Good Idea applies to every human.
Do you think others see and feel the world differently than you? “Of course,” is the easy answer. Our perspective is singular. We understand others see and feel differently, but our tendency is to project internal perceptions out to the world. Eckert Tolle in his book A New Earth explains how we see ourselves is ususally describe most accurately in how we speak of others. We only know how we feel, see and act. Generosity is the only option for viewing someone else’s actions. Judgment is Ego talking to itself.
Generous acceptance can be difficult. Better Sex Educators sometimes use intense visual exposure to myriad sexual ideas and expression to help patients understand sex as an emergent system with infinite expression. Some view images in a SAR (Sexual Attitude Reassignment) and think, “I like that too, so I am not alone.” Others understand how sexual expressions are infinite. One man or woman’s Better Sex Zen is another’s confusion and displeasure. Generous Acceptance doesn’t mean ownership or participation. It simply is. Judgment brings past events, ideas and thoughts in obscuring the always generous Now.
The Better Sex Zen: All Good Idea is simple – whatever happens in a loving sexual encounter is good. Clear, open and honest communication is necessary for Better Sex Zen.
Better Sex Zen: Communication
Why is talking about sex difficult? We know talking about sex is how sex, and the relationship that depends on it, improves. Frank discussions seem scary for many couples. Knowing how to fix something without being able to actually fix it is CATCH-22. Many customers share their sexual CATCH-22’s. They desire greater intimacy and an open honest relationship. But they see costs associated with such communication. Costs deemed so high conversation is impossible.
Living in Now is risk free. You are courageous without realizing it. The only way to be courageous is in this moment. When we don’t want to discuss sex because it is “Dirty,” or “Nasty” ego drives. Ego party of two your table is ready (LOL). Eckhart Tolle’s lesson applies. What we say about external things is an expression of how WE think and feel. We think of ourselves as “dirty” and “nasty”. Sex is a natural genetic desire. Nonjudgmental sexual communication requires leaving Mr. ego at home.
Better Sex: Communication Tips
- Judgment Free
- Honesty
- Active Listening
- Be Specific
- Select Neutral Sources
Let’s explore our Better Sex: Communication Tips called JHASS and pronounced jazz in greater detail.
Better Sex Communication Tip: Judgment Free
We judge everything. As an experiment, note each time you judge someone or something tomorrow. Your list will probably grow to hundreds before day’s end. Judgment is always ego. Ever notice how damaging ego can be to meaningful relationships such as spouse, coworker, son, mother, sister? Your ego is speaking to itself, but innocent bystanders easily misinterpret. You spouse, sister or mom thinks your ego is speaking to them and usually not very nicely. You may be fooled. You see negative statements, your judgment, as outer directed. All negative energy is only directed at one person – YOU. Bile thrown is ego’s attempt to hurt and distract you. The only egoless reaction is generous acceptance.
Better Sex Test:
Can you live a day without making a single judgment? Use a diary to note any judgment you make and any progress toward zero is all good.
Better Sex Communication Tip: Honesty
You are always honest in this moment. Dishonesty brings the future forward or the past to the present. Honesty is our starting place. Some see themselves as “dishonest” for much the same reason they feel “dirty” or “nasty”. It is impossible to be dirty NOW, in this moment. It is impossible to be dishonest NOW. All lies happened before or will happen later. No lie can happen now.
Now is a hard concept for western minds. Religions council generous acceptance and forgiveness; they understand generous acceptance is the only “now” response – everything else happened before or will happen later. This moment is always honest.
Better Sex Test:
Your lover tells you she was unfaithful. What is your response?
A: Generous acceptance.
Better Sex Test: Your lover tells you he hates your sex life and wants a divorce? What is your response?
A: Generous acceptance.
Our demanding Ego is a Zen Master of deception. Histrionics, yelling, stamping our feet and other silly behavior is Ego speaking to itself. Quietly sometimes painfully we know generous acceptance is our honest reaction, our true self speaking whoever will listen. Once we believe in this moment’s honesty better sex communication is easy and judgment free.
Better Sex Communication Tip: Active Listening
Active listening is being able to easily repeat what is said. Our lives are divided between message reception and message communication. We tend to see ourselves as message creators, as communicators. Communication is active and involved. Listening sounds passive and boring. Who gains from such definitions? Mr. Ego your table is ready again.
Active listening is a skill like riding a bike. Once pejorative associations are stripped away from neutral acts such as “listening” we are capable of more than previously imagined. You are already a good listener. You’ve been “listening” to our Better Sex Zen article for several thousand words. Listening always happens now and you are already good at it.
Better Sex Test:
Can you repeat the last three things your partner said to you today? The second part of the test is to check your record. Repeat what you heard if he doesn’t laugh, you are listening actively.
Better Sex Communication Tip: Be Specific
Only you see and hear what is in your mind. Better Sex Communication means sharing what is in your head. Something you know so intimately and well may mean little to someone living outside your mind.
Better sex communication works best when you are specific and honest about how something, a touch, kiss, stroke, sex toy or new sex position, makes you feel. Don’t get hung up in semantics. Remember all communication is honest in the Now and the proper response to any better sex communication is generous acceptance.
Some sex educators and therapists may council use “I” statements and accentuating the positive. We suggest setting some ground rules for sexual communication:
- Judgment is suspended
- Any communication is “good” and happening now
- Anything said or shared will be met with generous acceptance
Better Sex Communication Tip: Use Neutral Feedback Sources
Recently I interviewed two friends who run a cool company called Personal Life Media. Susan and Tim are very articulate about how they saved their 13 year marriage in this thirty minute interview:
Susan and Tim went on a journey seeking solutions. Our Better Sex Video Series was one stop on Susan and Tim’s journey to repair a marriage damaged by lack of intimacy. Susan and Tim attended seminars, reading books and actively sought solutions (always a good idea). It was easier to suspend judgment when their relationship was not the starting point, when they used a neutral source such as our DVD's to discuss their sex life.
Sometimes it is easier to discuss what strangers demonstrate than what happened yesterday. Discussing things watching a Better Sex DVD creates a NOW conversation. Yesterday is week is over and tomorrow hasn’t happened yet so remember to stay in the Now.
One of the most striking things is how passionately Susan and Tim are connected now. Their honesty skills spread throughout their relationship. They found Better Sex Zen and love every moment of it.
We hope you find your Better Sex Zen.
© 2009 Martin Smith
Email: msmith(at)BetterSex(dot)com
Read more Martin at ScentTrail (his personal blog).
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